The Awkwardness of Silence. 26 September 2011

The awkward moments when you have nothing to say, for fear the things may ruin things…
When you can’t think of the things to say, for fear the can’t be taken away…
When you don’t want to voice your opinion, because people would take offense…
When you’re afraid to say the things you feel, for fear that things will change…
When uncertainty rules and fear prevails, awkward silences keep coming my way.

it’s been too long… 27 August 2011

for the first time in what feels like forever, i feel the need to blog… however, i found an old draft that i hadn’t finished yet… and now, its 5:02 am. and i’m watching season 14 of south park and eating a cookies & cream poptart and drinking a diet pepsi… about to fall asleep… didnt end up blogging any of what i’d planned… so here’s my day in a nutshell:

• left phone at sam’s after jersey shore
• got up early to wait for her to call house phone
• fell back asleep watching south park
• woke up, showered
• searched yet again for my carter hulsey/joplin shirt, again i didnt find it… getting super pissed.
• dressed, left, drove to sam’s.
• phone wasn’t at her house… cuz she was already at work…lol oops
• drove to wm and got it. then headed to the grandparent’s casa again…
• did some computer stuff for jana…
• left, met brandi at wm to head to boomtown days…
• got to boomtown… bought some shirts and wristbands…
• watched romance on a rocketship and the ready set (who’s gorgeous)
• left, went to denny’s, laughed a shit-ton…which is more than alot.
• creeped…had 6 people in a 5 seater… so cameron was in the back…and sam has a headlight out… we passed a cop… he started to brake to turn around… we started freaking out… brandi had to drive down some side streets really fast… we got away… then cam pulled the cover closed and hid under…hahaha…

and that leaves me where i am…

now, bed.

…lata days

Joplin: There’s No Place Like Home 27 August 2011

I can’t do it.

I still have not brought myself to drive down Rangeline.
I know in a way it will be closer for me…but also, I know I will break down in tears. I’ve seen the pictures, I’ve watched the videos…I’ve talked to the people and heard their tears.

Horrific stories from people. Horrific.
The best fiction/tv/movie writers couldn’t even begin to imagine…

Amazing, Brave, Hopeful stories from people.
That make me want to cry as well.

Dorothy had it right…

There is No place like home.

I’ll start from the beginning…

Sunday felt like any other sunday… I overslept like usual and missed church, so i went back to sleep and woke up after noon… I didn’t have to work until 5, so I got on my computer and checked facebook for the first time in a week and watched a movie… I got ready and headed to work around 4:30, like usual…
I remember as I drove down V highway from Diamond to Hwy 249 to go to Joplin looking out at the fields and seeing the Humidity in the air… it just hung there, I even tweeted, “It’s so humid it looks like fog.” And it was humid.
As I got closer to Joplin, the clouds started rolling in…but I had no clue about the weather, I was just listening to my CD player as usual… I pulled into the Webb City Wal-Mart parking lot right at 5, right as it started to rain…

After I clocked in, I was put on reg. 2…right by the front Grocery Door…where i could watch everything… and we were BUSY! we had lines and people were just trying to get home… before i got on register, Brandi needed some help with something… and i had to order change since the previous cashier left me with no money and no receipt tape and no indication i was out of either… finally i got my register going and we started to slow down a bit… and then we heard the sirens…
…and I looked over to see if Korey or Nick or someone was there to call the Code Black… but no one did… and I asked the door greeters said they said to wait over the walkie… by this time the sirens had stopped… people were trying to just get home at this point… then the hail.
i thought the roof was coming down… in my 6+ years, i had never been in a code black until this month…and i had NEVER heard hail like that…ever.
it was between quarter and golf ball size… and it just kept coming… then, they called the code black.
we all had to go to the back of the store… I helped usher people back and do the sweep…and at this point, i wasn’t too worried… I love storms, well, I loved storms, past tense.

we were back there for probably 30-45 min. they called it around 5:40-5:45pm, i saw a picture of the tornado on someone’s phone, but you couldn’t tell where it was… it didn’t seem real… we went back to work… I rang up some friends, one had her sister with her, still in her graduation gown…they had just come from Joplin’s graduation minutes before the Code Black…about the time we got the all clear, we also started hearing the rumors…
“Academy is gone.” “IHOP is gone.” “15th (WM) lost the roof.” “St.John’s was hit and is on fire.” “someone said there are people clawing their way out of what used to be pizza hut.”
but it still didn’t feel real.
I immediately sent a text to my family, to all my friends in joplin (who’s numbers i had in my current phone, who hadn’t posted online yet)…no one could get a call out, texting was all that worked, and it was spotty…that’s when the panic started…
people were frantic trying to make calls, when the all clear for the 2nd code black was called around 6:55pm, people bolted to check on loved ones… I texted my dad who doesn’t know how to text because i couldn’t call him. My mom responded and was already at the hospital in Carthage…it was already crazy… she couldn’t find my brother…he was on his way to joplin last she’d talked to him, before the tornado… i was on break, but couldn’t eat…i hadn’t eaten all day… i almost lost it… then an amazing little buzz… one of the happiest sounds i’ve ever heard… he was ok, he was on his way to check on our grandparents since we hadn’t heard from them either… my immediate family was ok. I knew one grandparent was ok…and soon would know of the others… and my adrenaline was pumping… and i couldn’t do anything.
i was at work…we suddenly had no customers… half the associates had left… the rest were on their phones…

7:30- possibly the longest passing of time ever…
one of the cashiers’ son walked in, and she lost it… she hadn’t been able to get ahold of him…she’d thought he was at work…at the 15th street wal-mart… i checked out her customers with my ice cream cone in my hand as she cried tears of joy and the customers thanked the Lord that he was safe.

8:00(ish)- the people started coming in then… buying socks, underwear, soap, tarps, water, crowbars, gloves, bandages, flashlights, etc…things to start the searching.
and we gradually got busier and busier…and busier…

I was supposed to get off work at 10pm…

…I got locked out of the system around 11pm. took a 45min lunch, cried in my car, and came back til almost 2am.

10:00pm(ish)- I was working register 15, our “smokeshop” aisle…our “10 items or less” aisle… people were getting things to help people, to cover the holes in their roofs, to bandage the injured and clothe their children, and this woman comes into my lane with an electric cart, an over flowing regular cart and her 2 kids…she’s a “regular”… not from Joplin. the following is essentially what happened:

“Why are you guys so busy?!” -Woman
“because the 15th street store is gone…and everyone’s coming here…” -me
“what?” -woman
“there’s no more 15th street walmart.” – me
“why?” – woman
“because a tornado just took it and half of joplin out.” – me (as everyone in line gets more disgusted and pissed off)
“is that what all the sirens were going off for?” -woman
“yes.” -me (i was royally irritated at this point because the woman was sitting here, barking orders at the girl, maybe 11yrs old, and arguing with the boy, 8yrs-ish, over gum. and they were taking forever…)

i scanned the boys gum and put it in a bag…
“can i have that out?” – boy
“You. Can. Wait.” – me (i’m normally not rude but i was pissed. and the boy turned the carousel with my hand in the bad and took his gum and turned it back and walked off…)

i felt so bad for everyone else who had to wait on this woman. terrible. she didn’t even flinch when i told her about joplin… bitch.

Sam and Brandi came in for a few hours even though they’d worked earlier, and had to work later that day also… a few others worked late also…

we were slammed.

I saw the pictures online. still didn’t feel real.

I watched the footage on tv. still didn’t feel real.

—[written 4:00am- 28 May 2011]—

…and now, 3 months later, it still doesn’t feel real.

there are still so much emptiness in the disaster zone… most places its just flat bits of concrete foundation where people used to live.

we are still busy at walmart… the new 15th street walmart should be open in early november… just in time for christmas… the building is up, there’s even lights on inside.

The walgreens is opening next week.

so is chick-fil-a.

and home depot is coming along… as are many other places.

The high school is having jrs & srs classes in the mall. soph & fresh are at the old memorial high school. Franklin Tech is at another building near main st. they’ve managed to start school on time.

There are hundreds of FEMA trailers across from the airport…and another hundred-ish on fountain rd in webb/airport drive… they got wells and electricity for them all set up in a little over a month, with temperatures of 105 degrees everyday.

It’s amazing to see. neighbor helping neighbor. strangers helping strangers. people from around the world sending prayers and support.

but it’s still so hard to believe that the tornado actually happened.

it still feels like a dream. like joplin is still the old joplin.

you get a craving for ihop’s crepes and think, “oh maybe we’ll go after work…” then you remember its gone. or you are driving across town and drive down rangeline or main or any of the others, and you can see across town…

…and it hits you like a brick wall.

you can be standing in front of what used to be ___ and it still feels like your imagination.

its eery. but its getting better.

people still freak out when it so much as rains, but we’re slowly becoming less scared. not forgetful or negligent about storm safety, just less scared… but i think we’ll all be a little scared forever.

but we have hope.

lots of it.

and we have love.

and we are rebuilding. we are going on with life, not “normal” by any means, but we are slowly getting back to life.

we will heal. we’ll have scars, but scars fade. we won’t forget by any means. joplin won’t be the same, but it will be better than before.

keep praying. and pray for those in Hurricane Irene’s path. and those affected by the earthquakes last tuesday.

and keep loving each other. you never know what will happen, and you never know when your time is up. so love love love.

and always, Carpe Diem.

…lata days

testing testing 1, 2, 3… 27 August 2011

trying to see if this is still linked to my fb or not… dun dun dun

I’m an April Fool. 2 April 2011

so… today was interesting-ish…

slept in watched Fanboys again, laughed at some celebrity April Fool’s jokes… then went to work for my short 4 hour shift… which we were slammed… yay 1st of the month! *sarcasm* then went to drop a tax paper at Jerf’s casa… saw ma babies… then went to Grandpa & Jana’s talked, met the neighbor girl Natalie who is adorable and hilarious, had some yummy dinner, watched a weird-ass movie full of crazy psycho biotches… then met Sam & Brandi at Waffle House, where they proceeded to make me think Brandi might be pregnant. Brandi could be an actress… mainly cuz she kept freaking out on me… Sam needs to not laugh so much… ;) anyways, I fell for it. end of story. fail. :S lol… and then we went in to Waffle House and ate waffles and drank coffee and played Old Maid. cuz we’re awesome like that. ;) Now I am at Jamie & Steven’s casa with a bunch of drunk-ish people using Jamie’s mac… laughing at the hilarity of it all…and reminding Jessie not to attack me with the latex balloons… and now this blog is done… oh i wish i could record the stuff going on… bahahahaha oh i love allll my friends, even when they make me an April Fool. ;)

…lata days

stand up. 25 March 2010

so, mom has been riding my back for me to talk to someone, but other than my meds being messed up i feel fine. and i think it is in part to me not going to church. and she also mentioned that you had tried to get ahold of me on FB and email… well, being computer less for a while, i hadn’t checked my email…which is dangerous because i had over 1200 emails! ugh. anyways… i wanted to clear something up… i am afraid people think i’m not coming to church right now because of jeff… and i’m afraid he thinks that too… but really that’s not why… it’s more that, i have a problem with the situation. I do not feel that it was right for the bishop to re-instate him as a deacon before this whole matter was settled.

“If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?” 1 Timothy 3-5

i full heartedly believe in this. At the time he was allowed back, things were still crazy, hectic… nothing even close to being decided, one way or the other… and when there is that much emotional stress in someones life, and that much insanity, i don’t feel that they should be in a position of leadership in the church like that. because, like Timothy says, how can you lead the church? how can you give others advice? how can you help others over come their problems when you have so many of your own? i know that I wouldn’t be able to do it… and i wouldn’t want to try… i feel like he should have had a longer hiatus…until this was at least decided or settled…or something… one way or another…

i will go back… but not until things are settled… i can’t. i’m taking a stand. i’m standing up for how i feel, for what i feel is right. and i’m not going to sit idle. i don’t mean to upset people, that was never my intent. it was more that i wanted to make a stand.

so whatever it is you believe in…stand up. don’t sit.

stand.

…lata days

when i was a kid… 24 March 2010

When i was little…

• …i played with hotwheels, LEGOs, tractors, and action figures along with my barbies and dolls.
• …i used to carry around my little tape player and microphone and played my music and sang along.
• …i was a princess, pink power ranger, dalmation, cheerleader, posh, sporty spice, and hippie in a bug.
• …i read the most books in my first grade class and got to go see Casper at the movie theatre.
• …i watched Ninja Turtles, Power Rangers, XMen, and anything on Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon.
• …i was in love with Zac Hanson and JTT.
• …i would sit on our scratchy green couch with my dad and watch Sea Quest, Star Trek, M*A*S*H, before bed.
• …i won Young Authors in 3rd grade.
• …i went back and forth, week to week at mom’s and dad’s.
• …i got 4 Christmases.
• …i had 2 bedrooms, 2 beds, 2 of everything.
• …i was outgoing, i would talk to random strangers about everything.
• …i always rented Chitty Chitty Bang Bang or 3 Ninjas at the video store…until mom bought me CCBB.
• …i knew every word of Annie, every note, everything.
• …i had a vivid imagination, and plenty of imaginary friends.
• …i loved apple sauce.
• …i always ate my veggies.

and now…

• …i still play with LEGOs, get jealous of the toys that are out now, i have action figures on top of my TV, and have my barbies and dolls in storage.
• …i sing in my car, in my house, on register, everywhere.
• …i’ve also been a princess, Velma, and Rogue.
• …i read books all the time, and i have no more bookshelf space, or room for more bookshelves.
• …i have Ninja Turtles, Power Rangers, XMen on DVD.
• …i got to meet Zac Hanson.
• …i sit in the living room with my dad and watch Star Trek and PBS before bed.
• …i want to be a writer.
• …i still live at home, but i’m a poor college kid.
• …i only get 3 Christmases, and that’s if i don’t work.
• …i have 2 bedrooms, 2 beds, 2 of everything, but it’s more of a hassel now that i’m older.
• …i’m starting to be more outgoing, i talk to random strangers at work, about absolutely nothing.
• …i have too many movies, but not enough, i miss Netflix, and i love redbox.
• …i remember almost every word of Annie, almost every note, almost.
• …i have a vivid imagination, and plenty of real friends to entertain.
• …i love apple sauce, taco bell, chik-fil-a and sushi.
• …i always eat my veggies.

…lata days

Karma is an Effing Bitch… 2 February 2010

someone took something from me.

and it’s left me feeling scared and alone.

this may sound silly because I am refering to the theft of my laptop, but most of you don’t really understand… This is not just any laptop…

This laptop had everything on it… my homework for classes…
Pictures from Rome and The Vatican City… some of which i have, but others this was the first place I could get them to save properly… (corrupt SD Card)…
It had a couple chapters and snippets of my book that I had not backed up yet… that i didn’t have hand written copies of…

It’s not like I left it sitting out in the open… i put it in the other room, where nobody goes… out of site…

It feels like someone stole my first born… or molested me or something… it disgusts me… that someone could lie to my face when i am begging them for the sake of my homework and memories and personal things… could take them, and then LIE to my effing face…

ass wipes.

you know, I was sitting and questioning what I did to deserve this… between hysterical sobs and searching… and then it made me think… i didn’t. but you know, this is gonna come back and bite whoever stole my things in the ass.

I am bound and determined to get it back.

I WILL get it back!

and Karma… is going to kick their thieving lying asses… someday…

…lata days

Book One of the Moirai: Tempting Fate 25 January 2010

This is only part of what I have so far… I reached 10,000 words today! So in celebration of my elation, I am posting the first four chapters! I have more, but it isn’t near ready to be posted just yet. Chapter 5 needs some SERIOUS work before it’s posted, and these chapters are not totally complete, I’ll fluff them up later… and there are more chapters written, but they are from further chapters, and reveal far too much about the story, so for now, this will have to do… hope you will read and enjoy what I have so far, any and ALL feedback and criticism etc is GREATLY appriciated!      :)

PROLOGUE
There was once a little girl, her name was Lila Rosa. She was a cute little girl, with dark brown curls that went all the way down her back. She was 5 years old when her parents left on Holiday and shortly after, she found out they weren’t going to return.

She was raised by her elderly Aunt Gertrude, a squat elderly lady, who smelled of dust and mold, but was one of the sweetest old ladies in the world. Lila and her Aunt Gertie talked often, and Gertie taught Lila about everything she could. She taught her to read and write and find constellations in the sky. She told Lila stories of princesses and prince charming’s falling in love and mermaids and pirates and plenty of other stories. Lila’s favorites were the ones that took place in exotic places she had only been to in her childhood dreams. She dreamt of flying through the Arabian sky on a magic carpet, or fighting off a fiendish dragon with her mighty sword! Or she dreamt of her prince charming waking her up out of a deep life long slumber and whisking her away to a happily ever after. As much as Gertie knew Lila loved these stories, and loved to dream, she made sure that Lila knew they were only just stories.

Lila still pretended every day and night, that she was a character in one of these stories, but only if she knew Aunt Gertie wasn’t near. She was growing into a fine young woman, as she was often told by Aunt Gertie’s friends.

“She’s so grown up!” they would say through their gums, while working away at a quilt they were making. They often wondered out loud why Lila didn’t go out with the other girls her age.

“She is such a loner! She’ll never find a man that way! You must teach her manners and make her dress nicely, and go to all the usual social events!” one of the women insisted.

Lila didn’t want to do this. She preferred her imaginary world to that of the real one. She used to play with the other girls her age; that was until they made fun of her for not having “real” parents. They just didn’t understand. She had never told Aunt Gertie this though, and she had absolutely no intention of ever doing so. If she did, Aunt Gertie would march over to the other girls’ houses and give them a horrendous verbal lashing! Then Lila definitely would not be able to show her face in public!

So, Lila went about her days as usual. She did her studies, her chores, and when she had time, she escaped to her dreams.

One day, Aunt Gertie didn’t come down for breakfast. It was Saturday, and that was the day Lila always made breakfast for the two of them. So she rushed upstairs to Gertie’s room, where the old woman lay, breathing heavily and drenched in sweat.

“Aunt Gertie!” Lila cried. “What’s wrong? What’s going on? Are you alright?”

“I’m fine my dear!” Aunt Gertie replied, trying to sit up in bed, but to no avail.

“Aunt Gertie, you are NOT fine! Something is wrong! I’ll call the doctor!”

So, Lila called the doctor, who came shortly. The doctor couldn’t figure out what was wrong with Aunt Gertie, he said that she needed fluids and rest. So Lila saw to her every need. After more than a week, Aunt Gertie wasn’t any better, in fact, she looked worse. She couldn’t even sit up on her own to eat, so Lila had to help lift her up and then feed her.

One day, Gertie called for Lila. Lila ran to her Aunt’s room to see what was the matter.

“I’m alright dear.” Aunt Gertie comforted her, in a slow drawn out voice. “I am better than I have ever been, actually.”

“Aunt Gertie, that is just your fever talking!” Lila could feel the tears stinging her cheeks as she spoke, she had a feeling in her gut that she didn’t like.

“Lila, my dear, come over here please. I have something for you.” Gertie said.
Lila followed her Aunt’s directions and went to her bedside and knelt beside her.

“Aunt Gertie, what is it? What do you need?” Lila begged.

“I don’t need anything but for you to be happy, my dear.” Gertie responded, with a new found energy that surprised both of them. “I have been saving this for you, since you came to live with me here. Go to my wardrobe, child. There is a box on the top shelf.”
Lila did as she was told, and went and retrieved the box.

“It’s locked Aunt Gertie.” she said when she tried to open it.

“Silly Lila, you have to have the key first.” Gertie laughed.

“Well, where is the key?” Lila asked.

“I have it here, on the chain around my neck. Come, I’ll show you how to open it.” Gertie said, gesturing for Lila to come back to the bed.

Lila sat next to her aunt on the bed while Gertie fumbled with the necklace around her ancient fragile neck. The key was so big and old and rusty, Lila wondered why she had never noticed it before.

“Have you always had that around your neck?” she asked suddenly.

“Of course silly! How was I to be sure you didn’t open the box on one of your secret pirate treasure hunts?” Aunt Gertie gave a hearty laugh at the look on Lila’s face. “Yes, dear, I know all about your pretending, for all these years.”

Lila was suddenly embarrassed, but Gertie only laughed harder.

“Here you are my dear, everything you need to know is inside that box…but don’t open it just yet. No, wait ‘til midnight tonight. No sooner please, I have things to do before then.” Gertie said and with a sudden burst of youthfulness she jumped out of bed and began to get dressed. Lila was flabbergasted!

“Aunt Gertie!” she said full of motherly concern. “What are you doing?”

Lila jumped up after her and tried to get Gertie back to bed.

“Oh stop it child! It’s of no use! I am fine! Better than I have ever been!” Gertie said.

“But you’ve been sick in bed for weeks now! The doctor says you are on your deathbed!” Lila could feel the tears again. She thought Gertie had gone mad.

“My dear, dear Lila. There are so many things that you have to learn in this world! So many, many things… both wonderful and terrible, happy and sad. You have so much life to live! Stop worrying about what little is left of mine! I am an old woman! I don’t have much time! I wasn’t sick in bed! I was simply resting up for my last great adventure!” Gertie was practically dancing around the room. She seemed 20 years younger.

“Aunt Gertie! What do you mean your last great adventure? You can’t go anywhere in your condition!” Lila protested.

“My condition?” Gertie almost laughed. “Child, my condition is not as it seems! After tonight, you will know of my condition, and how it is…and you will learn more about life than I could ever teach you in a million years! Life is a splendid and precious gift Lila! Don’t waste it away in your dreams. Go! Live them! Be free! Do as you please! Live life! You are so very young!” she said gently squeezing Lila’s face between her hands. Lila started to pull away.

“…but Aunt Gertie…I can’t just leave you here.” Lila said now, her face wet and blotchy. Gertie took both her hands.

“You won’t be, since I am leaving right now.” Gertie said matter-of-factly. She was suddenly dressed and ready for travel. Lila looked over and realized that there was a small carpet bag packed full already to go by the door.

“What do you mean you are leaving? You can’t leave me here alone! Not again!” a fresh batch of tears burst forth from Lila’s eyes.

“Child, I am not leaving you alone, I will always be with you. But it is time for me to go, and time for you to grow up. If I do not leave now, you will not grow up to be the strong young woman I know you are inside. So I am leaving you now. This is my goodbye. But I promise that you will understand all of this later tonight when you open the box. But don’t open it ‘til midnight on the dot.” Gertie said.

“Yes ma’am.” was all Lila could squeeze out between hiccups. She absolutely hated this! How could Gertie leave her? As Gertie started to leave, Lila went back to the bed, and picked up the box.

“Why midnight?” Lila asked, wiping a fresh batch of tears from her cheeks. “Why can’t I open it now?”

“Because it would be utterly devastating to everyone if you opened it early. Now, that is all I can say. I must go. Live Life my dear. Live it to its absolute fullest…and do NOT open that box ‘til Midnight!” Gertie shouted as she floated out the door.

——

The chimes of the bells from the church down the street rang.

Lila counted them.

One…Two…Three…Four…

After Gertie had left, she had fallen apart. She laid on her aunt’s bed and cried herself to sleep and only woke when the doctor came by for Gertie’s check up. He was shocked to find she had left on her own, but he had other patients to tend to, so he was soon on his way, leaving Lila alone again.

Five…Six…Seven…

Her stomach was growling so much at this point, she went to the kitchen and made herself some toast and jam, for it was all she felt she could stomach at this point.

Eight…Nine…Ten…

She wished all the rest of the day that she could escape into one of her dreams…or she felt as if she were living in one of them, and couldn’t get out of it.

Eleven…

It was almost Midnight…and she had almost forgotten about the box, until she went up the stairs and passed Aunt Gertie’s room. She paused outside the door…and remembered her aunt’s last words…why had she been so keen on the whole midnight thing anyways? What did it matter, she was gone anyways… it wasn’t like she would know the difference…still, Lila felt that she couldn’t disobey her aunt even if she wasn’t here, and wasn’t likely to come back alive…she crept across the room to Gertie’s bed where she had left the box…and she heard the chimes…and she started counting. Once she reached the bed, she held the box in her hands and set the heavy thing on the floor.

Twelve.

She threw open the lid!

=Chapter One=

 She closed her eyes and she threw open the lid!

 Her breathe stopped cold in her throat. She gasped. It smelled as if the box had been closed for hundreds of years or more. She slowly opened her eyes to peer at the contents of the box.

It was empty.

Was this some sort of sick joke? Did her aunt think this was hilarious? Was she hiding in the room somewhere about to jump out?

Just as Lila was about to close the lid and put the box away, she saw a glimmer…in the corner of the box. It had a false bottom! She dug at the velvet floor of the box and pulled on the wood of the false bottom. She couldn’t get it out! She scrambled around the room until she found her aunt’s letter opener. She used its flat edge to pry out the bottom, and when she had, she finally saw what was in the box.

She lifted the bottom out to find a small, leather bound journal and an old velvet purse. There was also an envelope with her name on it. She took the box’s contents and laid them out on her aunt’s bed. She crawled under the covers, and took the letter out to read it first. She noticed her Aunt’s old fashioned lines almost immediately, but more distinct than that, was the smell of her aunt as it wafted from the envelope in her lap. She read the letter.

 

 

 

My Dearest Lila,

I am sorry I have had to leave you so – both our lives depended on it. I will miss you so much, and I am sorry this is a poor way to say goodbye. I wish there were more time for explanation, but I don’t have much time left to write this.

Things are changing dear, things are changing in this world, and in ours – this may not make any sense right now, but soon it will. There will be a storm tonight, do not be frightened. There will also be a boy, who will show up to take you away. Trust him. Trust him as you’ve always trusted me. Trust him more than you’ve trusted me. After his arrival, trust no one but him, not even me. This is key to your survival.

You will know him when you see him.

Guard these things I’ve left you with your life – you will soon know why.

I love you more than life itself my dear.

-Aunt Gertie

Lila felt the tears before she could help it. She also heard the storm. The thunder claps, the raindrops hitting the roof of the old house she had spent her whole life in.

What did Gertie mean by “both our lives depend on it?”

What did she mean by “you will know him when you see him?”

            What did any of it mean?

            Lila’s head was swimming. She was even more confused now that she had read the letter from her aunt than she had been by her aunt’s sudden healing and disappearance a few hours before. None of this made any sense! Was this boy someone she knew already? How would she know who he was? And still, the fact that she could no longer trust her aunt? How was this possible? Why would Gertie put something like this?

Lila let the tears come. And the heaving sobs. She couldn’t bear to hold them in any longer. As the thunder outside crashed, she was suddenly afraid. She had never been afraid of storms. In fact, she loved them. It was more fun pretending in the storms, or singing and dancing in the rain. But suddenly, she felt so alone, and the storm scared her. She had never been alone. She had always had Gertie there beside her, the whole way.

Another clap of thunder and a bright flash of lightning almost made her deaf and blind. This storm was shaping up to be one of the worst in a long time. Lila decided to leave her aunt’s room for her own. She collected the box’s contents and walked to her room down the hall. She laid them on her bed, and went back and closed her aunt’s bedroom door. Then she went downstairs to make some tea before bed.

There was another clap of thunder, and an even brighter flash of lightning, right out front of the house! She moved quicker, the sooner she got to bed, the sooner this night would be over with. She moved about the kitchen, heating the water, picking her favorite de-caf herbal tea. Her biggest favorite mug, and once she heard the whistling of the kettle, which was hard over the noise of the storm outside, she pored it into her mug and was on her way up the stairs.

She didn’t even look at her aunt’s room as she walked past. She went to open her door, had she shut it? She didn’t remember shutting it. She pushed it open with a shrug. She walked over to her bed, put her mug on the night stand, and started to walk to her closet when she saw something in her room.

No, not a something, a someone.

She jumped, almost out of her skin, and knocked into her nightstand, almost spilling her tea and knocking her lamp to the floor. She looked back at the spot where she thought she had seen the “someone” a moment before. There was nothing there. Maybe it had just been a trick of the light from the storm outside. Or maybe it was just because she was so tired and worn out from today.

She knelt down and picked up the lamp and set it back on her nightstand. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and turned to walk towards her closet again.

“Hi.”

The someone was back.

* * * * *

This time, she screamed.

And knocked the lamp onto the floor again. This time, the bulb broke, and she grabbed the lamp and held it out in front of her like a sword.

“Stay back!” she yelled. “Who are you and what are you doing in my room?!”

The someone standing there, stepped forward from the shadow he was in. In the light from the storm outside, she could tell it was a boy. A very handsome boy. A very in-her-room-and-shouldn’t-be boy. She wanted to know why. The boy appeared to be blushing a bit.

“Um, Hi. Sorry, I knocked downstairs, but I don’t think you heard me, and the door was unlocked, so I let myself in.” he replied with a shrug. He ran his hand through his dark curly hair.

Lila started to lower the lamp-sword, then thought better of it. He still hadn’t answered why he was there, he’d only answered how he got here.

“What are you doing in my room?” she asked, a little more calmly this time.

“I am here, to take you with me.” He replied.

“What makes you think I would go with you?” she asked. The sarcasm starting to build.

“Because, your life depends on it.” Was all he said.

Chapter Three

Lila just stared at him.

This boy, had the nerve to let himself into her house, into her room! And all he had to say was, “Your life depends on it?” What was up with all the riddles! She was getting really impatient now. She dropped her hands to her side, and looked him straight in the eye.

“You still haven’t answered my question.” She said very slowly and deliberately, trying to keep her cool. “Why the heck are you in my house, in my room, in the middle of the night, in the middle of a friggin’ storm the night my Aunt decides to waltz out!? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?”

She lost it. She started to cry again. This time it was out of anger and frustration, not from being alone. She was shaking. She wanted answers. And she wanted them now.

“Um…” he shuffled his feet, nudging the edge of her rug with his sneaker. “Didn’t your Aunt tell you what was going on? Didn’t she tell you I’d be here?”

He peered up at her sheepishly through a curtain of his black curls, with slate gray eyes. He looked embarrassed now. Unsure of what was going on. If she wasn’t so mad, Lila would have thought him very handsome.

“Oh. You’re the boy she wrote about?” Lila asked, feeling her neck and cheeks flush. She was so embarrassed for losing her temper! “Sorry. She didn’t say who you would be … just that you’d be here. I didn’t know you would be here so suddenly!”

“It’s alright. So, what did she tell you?” He asked, regaining his casual demure he had had when she first saw him only moments ago.

“Well, she told me that she had to leave, because both of our lives depended on it.” She said, trying to remember the letter. She went over to the bed, and realized she was still holding onto the lamp, and she set it on her nightstand. She picked up the letter, but it was too dark to read, so she grabbed her flashlight from the drawer in her nightstand. It was a cheap old plastic thing that she had won at a school carnival once, and she had used it ever since to read late at night under the covers when Aunt Gertie thought she was asleep. She held out the letter to the boy.

“Here, this is the letter she left me.” She said, as he took it and the flashlight. “Maybe you can explain it to me.”

“Oh. So she didn’t tell you anything else?” he said as he finished reading the letter. “She didn’t explain who I was, or why I had come for you? Or what those things are?”

“These?” she said gesturing at the leather journal and velvet pouch still laying on the bed where she had left them. “No, she didn’t. Before she left, she only told me not to open the box they were in till after midnight. Then she left.”

“Oh. Okay then, um, can we sit and talk for a few minutes then. I have a lot to tell you in a very, very short period of time.” He said. She nodded, and he sat at the foot of her bed, and turned to face her.

“I’m not from here.” He started, when he saw the confused look on her face, he started over. “I’m not from this realm, and neither was your Aunt Gertie…and neither are you.”

Lila just stared at the boy. She was not from this realm? What the …?

“What do you mean ‘We’ aren’t from this realm?” she replied. This was all too much!

“We are from a different realm, the Land of Moirai.” he stated.

“Oh. And where is this other realm? And why are we here and not there?” The questions started again.

“In the Land of Moirai, the things of Earthly Fairy Tales are real — for the most part — and our fates are written down for us before we are born.” He said, reaching for the leather journal on her bed. He held the journal out to her, “This, is your fate.”

“A journal? What? Is it my fate to write or something?” She said waving it nonchalantly. Lila was really too sarcastic for her own good.

“No.” the boy stated, looking her dead in the eyes. “It is your fate. The pages of this Journal contain your fate. You can choose to read your life as you chose. From the beginning of your life to your very last breath. Every decision you will make is in here. Every breath you have taken, and will take is in here. Everything in your life…Who you’ll love, who you’ll hate. Where you’ll go, the places and things you’ll see. The heartaches you’ll endure. The happy times. The sad times. Everything.”

“Everything? So if I can’t decide what movie to watch at the cinema, I can look and see which one I’ll pick?” she asked.

“Kind of.” He replied.

“Kind of? Well if that isn’t how it works then how does it?” Lila asked, really curious now.

“I am going to warn you, some people chose to read their Fates from the beginning, “curiosity killed the cat” is a saying that is half true. Those who read too far ahead, end up bored with their lives, they know what will happen so they chose not to Live. If they don’t succeed in trying to go on, they end up in our world’s version of an insane asylum. If you read too much, you lose your will to live. I only read mine a little each day. I avoid it as long as I can.”

“Well, can’t you just not read it?” she asked.

“No.” he stated, very seriously. “You have to read it. If you don’t you can go to prison. If you aren’t reading it, at least a little each day, you are seen as a rebel. And the authority will take you away.”

“So you don’t have free will?” Lila was appalled. “That is ridiculous! That’s unfair!”

“It is more complicated than that, but I don’t have time to explain it all just yet.” He said. “For now, you just need to know not to read much further than is necessary. I normally just read the day’s entry at the end of the day, much like most people keep a diary here, only mine is already written. Occasionally it will tell me that something is ‘coming’ or such, so then I read a half a day or a day ahead. But no more.”

“Wow.” Lila said. Turning the Journal over in her hands.

“So… Now, you need to read your first page.” He said, starting to open the cover of the Journal as it lay in her lap.

“What if I don’t want to?” She asked, holding the cover closed. “What if I don’t want to be a part of this?”

“You don’t have a choice. They all ready know you exist. They will know if you don’t open it and read it.” He said, very sternly.

“How? How will They know?” Lila was getting worried.

“They have their ways.” He stated. “So, you need to open it and read the first page.”

Lila pulled away her hand and let the boy, still a complete stranger, open the journal, her Fate, to the first page. She looked down at the page.

It was blank.

“I don’t see anything.” She said, slightly shaky and worried.

“Look again, it may take a minute the first time.” He said calmly. “Just look again and concentrate.”

She looked again at the page in her Fate Journal. And slowly, colors and designs and pictures began to appear.

“It’s only pictures.” Lila was surprised. “Why is it only pictures? No words? I thought you said it was written…not drawn.”

“When you first start to read your Journal, it starts as a Picture book, much like when you are a child, you start with picture books. The older you get, the more words and the more details, depending on the situation. The more you understand, the more intricut the words or designs.” He said. “What do you see?”

“I see me sitting here on my bed, with you, doing what we are doing right now.” Lila was starting to get a little freaked out.

“Turn the page.”

“But I thought you said I only had to read one.”

“Well, you’ll never come with me if you don’t see it in your Journal.” He stated.

Lila turned the page, and another picture appeared, and there was also a simple word at the bottom.

“Go.”

The picture was her and this strange boy sitting next to her, running through the storm outside, with him in the lead, holding her by the hand. She gasped. She understood now. In the back, deep in the shadows of the picture, she could see dark figures coming towards them.

“What?” he said when he heard her gasp. “What do you see?”

“You and Me, running through the rain,.” She said. “And there are some dark figures in the background, and they are coming after us.”

“We have less time than I thought.” He said jumping to his feet. “Grab what little you can carry. Put your Journal in that pouch, and place it around your neck, under your shirt. It will go invisible, so don’t be shocked, but you will know it is there.” He was at the door already. “I’m going to the kitchen to get some provisions. We have a long journey ahead of us. Oh, and you’ll want a jacket.”

“What?” Lila said also getting up, but he was already flying down the stairs. She went to her closet, grabbed her small duffel that she never used unless staying with one of Aunt Gertie’s friends for the night. She started to put underwear and socks and pants and shirts in it. Would she need a skirt for anything? Oh well, we’ll throw one in just in case. Shoes? Just a pair of sandals should do. She would need to wear tennis shoes since they were running in the picture.

“What are you doing?” The boy was back, and he didn’t have anything in his hands. “We don’t have time for you to pack! I said only what you can carry!”

“I can carry this, it’s not very big!” Lila exclaimed.

“No no no no no.” he paused and laughed at himself. “Sorry, I forgot to explain, only what you can carry in your pouch. You won’t have room for a change of clothes so don’t bother and make sure you have shoes on that you can run in.” She put extra underwear in her pouch and socks and her toothbrush and toothpaste and a bottle of hand sanitizer and a travel size shampoo. She also put a picture of her and her parents that she always had in her drawer next to her bed and the letter from Aunt Gertie. She grabbed her glasses and contact case and solution and was ready to go. She put on some jeans and layered on some shirts, since she couldn’t pack them, she would wear them. A long sleeved shirt with a t-shirt over it, and her converse, since they were the only thing she had that she could run in. Not that she could run in anything. Then she grabbed a zip up hoodie and her jacket. She threw her watch on and a chapstick in her pocket. She thought at the last minute to grab her trusty flash light and put it in her back pocket. She took what little money she had and stuffed it in the zip pocket inside her jacket.

The boy came back and had a small satchel bag slung over his shoulder. He caught her eyeing it.

“Food.” He said.

“Oh. Okay.” She had managed to throw her own small purse over her shoulder under her jacket, and this is where she put the contents of her pouch, minus the Journal and the pouch. It would fit if it was required, but it was easier to wear it this way.

“Are you ready to go?” he asked.

“Can I use the bathroom first?” she asked.

“Yes, but do hurry.” He replied. He understood that she would have a harder time since she was a girl and couldn’t just use bushes like he could.

While she was in the bathroom, she threw some Toilet Paper into her bag as well, along with some girly stuff. When she was done, she went back to her room, and was ready to go.

“Ready?” he asked her.

“As ready as I can be.” She said.

“Then lets go. We don’t have much time.”

They headed out of her room, and down the hall. Lila paused outside her Aunt’s door. The boy stopped on the second stair and looked back at her. Lila didn’t want to leave this house. It was the only home she had ever known. She wanted to be close to it so she could feel close to her aunt.

“Come on.” He said, reaching for Lila’s hand. “We have to go, or you’ll never get to see her again.”

“Will I see her again?” Lila asked.

“I think so.” He said, taking her hand in his. “but only if we leave now.”

So Lila and this mysterious boy made there way out of the dark house and out the front door into the rain. Lila had put up her hood, but noticed she was completely dry, except for her feet, as they splashed throught puddles. She was about to ask, when the boy pulled her quickly after him.

Chapter Four

“Ow!” Lila exclaimed. It felt like her arm was gonna come out of it’s socket. She was not good with the whole running from bad guys thing. “Can we slow down?”

“Not if you want to live to see your next birthday.” He replied in a hushed voice. “Come on, it’s not much further.”

“Ugh.” She groaned. She figured she could bear it for a little bit longer. She had absolutely no clue as to where they were headed, only that it was somewhere closer to the edge of town. Lila stole a glance back in the direction of her house. She couldn’t see it anymore through the sheets of rain. It was a terrintial downpour, yet still, the only part of her that was wet was her shoes… impossible. She stole another look back, this time, she saw something coming after them. It was the dark figures she had seen in her journal. She knew they were. They had to be. They were chasing them now.

“Um, I think we should go faster.” Lila said in a hurried voice.

“I’m going as fast as you are…” He replied, glancing back at her. “If you’d hurry up, it’d be easier.”

“Well, I think I can go faster now… look!” She said pointing at the figures who were gaining on them.

“Crap.” He spat. “Okay, just don’t let go of my hand okay? Sprint, we’re almost there!” They began to sprint, Lila could feel the adrenaline pushing through her veins now. In a sudden burst of speed, they were off, like lightning.

            All the sudden, everything was bright and lit up. Lila heard a scream. It was a few minutes before she realized it was her. She felt like thousands of little needles were pricking her bare skin. Her hand was still tightly in the boys, but she could not see him, she could not see anything, it was too bright. In what felt like hours, but was really just seconds, everything went black.

***

“Lila? Lila wake up.” His his voice was soft and soothing. “Lila? Come on Lila, we don’t have time for this…wake up!” he was getting more urgent. Finally she felt arms pic her up and carry her. Strong, warm arms. She pulled herself in closer to the warmth. She still couldn’t see anything, and all the sounds around her were fuzzy. The prickly feeling was gone, but she knew she couldn’t move on her own well, if she let him know she was conscious.

“We’re almost there.” He said, more to himself than to the semi-unconscious girl in his arms. “Almost there.”

“Okay.” Lila mouthed into his shoulder. Her eyes fluttered a little bit, and she saw where they were, they were on the opposite side of town from where she lived, but it was a ten minute drive by car, so there was no way they could be there already. She closed her eyes again, and clung on tighter.

too be continued…

…lata days

29 December 2009

they let him preach yesterday.

I don’t think i mentioned it to anyone… but they did. and i was pissed when i heard.

but there is nothing i can do about it. So i simply didn’t go.

He can’t see my notes, or read my blogs…so don’t say anything. but it pisses me off… and i can’t stand to see him up there… it’s so hypocritical.

Yes, i get that we should be forgiving and all that. I’m all for that. and i try and do it as much and as often as possible… but it’s just too hard right now… in this instance.

I am still so mad and so angry… so furious at all this shit. and I’m so ready for it to all be over!

The main problem I have is that it is not yet over! They are in the middle of the divorce… and i don’t think that he should be allowed to be in a position of leadership like that when you are going through such a difficult and trying time…

and especially in this situation… i can’t handle it.

I can’t stand to see him up there.

i can’t do it…

I can’t stand to see my mother hurt.

and church has always been my “sanctuary”…literally… and i can’t feel at peace and safe and “home” when all i feel is anger and distrust.

so what do people expect me to do? when my sanctuary is no longer my safe haven? when i can’t feel at peace in what was once the only place i could? what do i do now?

Until I can feel safe and at peace again… i won’t go when he’s there. i won’t do it. I can’t do it… it hurts too much…

and i’ve hurt enough for a while…

…lata days